Last weekend, Chris took Josiah camping and left me alone for a whole 24 hours!It was heavenly for me...and a little more challenging for Chris! I enjoyed a peaceful, quiet weekend of movies, reading, sorting/organizing, baths, and sleeping. Here are some snapshots of their night away:

Setting up in the tent:



Practicing for sleep:





Having supper:



Campfires:



Hiking and taking pictures:











Enjoying 'guy' food:



Finally asleep (in the car on the way home):



Chris said it looks like they had a great time from the pictures! There were sleeping issues, like Josiah deciding to stay awake until after 11:30 p.m., and it was quite cold and 'buggy'. And it's just always so much work to do anything with a toddler! I'm not sure if they'll try again this year or wait until next. Seeing these pictures made me wish I was there, until I remember what it was like to camp while I was seven months pregnant with Josiah and then I was happy to be home!

Tears to Laughter/Joy

For days last week, I was so upset. Josiah began saying, "I'm not special..." and I had no idea why. He looked very sad when he said it, yet confused when I tried to tell him how special he really is. I try to tell him this every day, and make him feel special in every way I can. I was worried that he might be depressed, and was trying to think of something that may have happened to make him feel this way. About three or four days into this (and lots of tears later from me), he said, "I'm not special..." but this time he kept going, and he recited an entire scene from a Veggie Tales movie that he loves to watch. He played all the parts, including facial expressions. I was so relieved, and entertained! I should have known better with the strong acting gene in the family!

As every parent does, I feel so bad when I am impatient or harsher than I needed to be in the moment. Every once in a while, Josiah says, "Not speak rudely, Mommy," as he wags his little finger at me. This has often made me upset, and sometimes angry, because he is right. I am trying to teach him how to speak to others, and I am one of his biggest examples so I should be a good one; however there is something very humbling and infuriating about being called out by a two-year-old. As we were discussing it this week, a friend told me that she felt it was a very positive thing that Josiah felt the freedom and safety in our relationship to call me on things like that. This tiny perspective change made me feel more joyful about this recurrence. I will make lots of mistakes, and it is even healthy for my kids to see this, as long as I take their words to heart when I have wronged them and am big enough to apologize.

It's funny sometimes how a shift in perspective, or a little more information can make such a difference!

Some of you know that Josiah has had some major allergic reactions lately. Here is a picture of some of the hives he has had:



This was not the worst outbreak...I was too stressed out during that one to snap off pictures! He has had these on more than fifty percent of his body, and we've been trying to figure out the causes.

He was seen by the allergy clinic, where they ran some food tests and nothing showed up! The doctor was a little dismissive, so I had to push for more testing. He said that hives don't necessarily mean allergies, and that he'll probably outgrow whatever it is. This is not very reassuring, especially for parents who are still trying desperately to avoid whatever is causing this. So now, we have to wait another six months for more testing. They said it could be oral allergies, which may involve certain kinds of fruit combined with environmental conditions (like pollen outside this time of year).

I am still avoiding plums, as I think this caused a major reaction. Unfortunately, they were unable to test for plums at the clinic. I am trying not to be stressed by this, and we're hoping to avoid any more major outbreaks while we wait!

Here is the (long overdue) new haircut:





The stylist put gel in to make it spiked, and he was extremely upset about this when his fingers discovered it. He kept saying, "Mommy, make it better! Put some cream on it!"

This picture shows him following the green light that was on his shirt from the camera focusing...it has become very distracting in recent days and makes it difficult to get a shot of him looking at the camera!

Lately,

I have been...

...not blogging! Our computer caught something that has been finally dealt with, so I am back online!

...getting bigger, and found out why today! My doctor said this is not an average baby (as previously mentioned). Apparently when they took that measurement, it was too early to tell how big the baby would eventually get. Right now, he is measuring the same as Josiah did at this time (and he came out at 10 lbs. 7 oz). I might have to return that newborn take-home outfit I bought!

...rethinking gratitude, and the changes I need to make to become someone who sees beauty again. It is very difficult to not be hardened by the things that happen, but I think I've been missing out.

...enjoying a ladies Bible study for the first time in quite a while. We are reading a book on fear...something I know very well! It has been encouraging, and I feel so blessed to have been invited to join this study.

...starting to fill in my pregnancy journal. I think my past miscarriages have made me hesitant to record anything (for this baby and Josiah) until I felt a little reassurance that everything would be okay.

...feeling thankful for my friendships, both new and old. Some are helpful and encouraging, some stretch me to be a better person than I feel like being, some give me hope, some are fun, some are comforting, and I don't know what I would do without them.

...feeling thankful for Chris and Josiah, and for the privilege of being a mom (and being celebrated!). Also, for having my own mom to celebrate with. I don't think until I became a mom that I fully appreciated or understood how hard it was for my own mom/mom-in-law, and I am so thankful for all of the sacrifices they both made for their families. I have also learned so much from both of their examples.

...dealing with some new and scary allergy episodes with Josiah. He has had two major reactions in the last week, and I am feeling uneasy because I don't know exactly what he is allergic to. We had an allergy consult yesterday and he will go for a skin test next week. Poor little guy!

...being emotional. Maybe pregnancy hormones, or life events, or frustrating encounters, but I've been struggling to keep it together.

...wanting to decide on a name for this baby (to my husband...if you are reading this...please can we sit down and decide very soon?!).

...attending the year-end banquet for my moms group. I love going to this group every week, and am so thankful for the wonderful moms who I have met there. They make me want to be much better at my job!

...trying to get our affairs in order before this baby arrives.

...noticing that it is starting to cost more to buy fewer things at the grocery store and to fill up the gas tank.

...taking fewer walks than I should be.

...feeling blessed by the many people who have support me and my family during this challenging time.

...nesting- well, if I am being honest, I am making lots of lists on things I'd like to have done! I just don't have a lot of extra energy to make it all happen.

...overdoing it! I think I have slipped back into trying to keep up with life the way I did before pregnancy and a heart condition, and I need to start saying 'no' again.

...thinking that I only have a few weeks left to go!

On days like today, I wish that...

...I had a little more energy, and patience!

...I had a cleaning service!

...putting on my socks did not look so hysterical to my kid (the baby belly is starting to interfere with life!).

...I knew how to play with my toddler so I wouldn't be bored with his desire for repetition.

...I could hire someone to potty train my kid. I never knew how much work this could be, and feel more frustrated when I hear people talking about how easy it was for them!

...I had more space.

...I could go shopping without a two-year-old (disastrous morning at the grocery store!).

...I could find splash pants and rubber boots for my kid that didn't leak (and were self-cleaning!).

...I knew why Josiah was falling all the time lately. It's hard to be genuinely sympathetic after several dozen times in one day.

...I was done with student loans so I never had to deal with their office again. Talking with them and trying to sort out details is much more stressful than the money I owe each month!

...I could do something to help a friend who is going through a very difficult situation.

...I could do more in general for people. I think these last few months have not only taken a toll on my physical heart but on my spirit as well. I love to offer help when I can, but I feel so helpless myself these days that not many extras are getting done.

...I could fast forward to September!

...Josiah would nap, even just for a few minutes. He is definitely eliminating his nap, so we are transitioning to quiet time. This is not as restful (or long) for me as napping was! I was hoping he would make it until after the baby was born, but it's not looking that way.

...I could look better than I do when my husband comes home from work, after spending a day at war with my toddler!

...I could be more thankful and appreciative for what I have and where I'm at. And that I wasn't wishing for days like today to end so quickly!

Third Trimester

As I head into the final phase, here are some reflections about the pregnancy so far:

- At times, it seems to go by very quickly and at other times it drags on.

- I have been feeling more emotional lately, and dreading the upcoming C-section. I think as it gets closer, I am remembering the horrors and I just don't think anything can make me feel ready to do that again (although there isn't much choice now!).

- In trying to prepare Josiah, we have been reading books about new babies and about being a big brother. Not that he'll really understand until it hits, but I want to know a little bit about what will happen. I remember a lady telling me once that she told her 2-year-old daughter that she was going to the hospital to have a baby, but she never told her that they would be coming home. Lots of emotional distress and tantrums followed, until they realized that the little girl just needed to hear that her mother actually was returning home in the end. After hearing that, I want him to have as many details as he can understand at his level!

- Physically, things are staying pretty much the same, so that is good news for my heart. I have had chest pains and palpitations and weakness and lots of tiredness, but as long as nothing is getting worse they told me not to worry.

- I love being pregnant this time of year rather than in the summer...no swelling!!

- I cancelled my next ultrasound. I feel like because of my heart stuff and being placed in a high risk group that they are going little overboard with the testing. So I called and told them I'm not doing it. I think I would be more inclined if it made any difference, or of there were things they could do to help. But at this point, there is nothing they will find that will change the course of the pregnancy. And I am tired of trying to find childcare, finding parking at the hospital, going to appointments, and hearing nothing new.

- We still don't have a name, but I think have narrowed it down to a couple of choices. In a pinch (like having the baby early) we could come up with something we are both happy with.

- After reading that about 90% of babies survive if delivered at the place I am now, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Not that I want the baby to come this early, but after having so many miscarriages, I don't think that I really start getting excited until I am past the risky part.

- Although we did not with Josiah, for this baby we decided to find out the gender. We thought it would make things much easier for organizing and getting ready. So...



...we'll be bring home another BOY! We are both very excited about this! It has been much easier to get ready too, because we have lots of boy stuff. We also know a bit about what to expect. It is crazy that so far on Chris' side of the family there are four boys (this one will make five), and one girl, and on my side there are three boys (this one will make four).

- He's moving around lots, and reminding me that he's still there. This is reassuring, and has not been as painful as in the last pregnancy. I think he is probably active in a normal way (not an acrobatic, insane, "give me more space" kind of way like the last time!). Already at this point in my last pregnancy, I had very bad bruising inside of my rib cage from all of the kicks and turns. I'm not feeling beat up yet, so this is good! He does keep me up at night though, and seems to be awake a lot throughout the night and early morning at this point.

- I am getting tired of maternity clothes, and can't wait to burn them when I am done with this. I think back to my first pregnancy and how excited I was about the 'cute' baby-bump clothes...if only I had known! Now when I am out, I just feel like shopping for nice, regular clothes again, but I don't because I think it would be way too depressing!

- I am feeling excited and nervous to meet this little guy in a few weeks! What will he look like? Will he be quiet and reserved, or outgoing and sociable like his big brother? What kinds of toys and activities will he enjoy? Will he like to be held? Will his name suit him? So many questions! I keep thinking that unlike choosing a spouse that you will spend forever with, we don't get to choose our kids. Their little personalities can delight us and drive us crazy (sometimes all in one day!). I am anxious to know him.

- Although in an ideal world I would love to have lots of kids, I am a bit relieved to think that this is the last time I will be pregnant! It has been an honor, but I'm not sure that I will ever miss it!

- Only ten or eleven weeks left to go!