Why is it that some days seem so easy, and others are like a sand-storm? Yesterday was fun. I was home with the boys all day, Chris worked late, but it all went fairly smoothly. It's not that everything was perfect, but it was one of those days that felt enjoyable for everyone.

Here are the boys playing shadow games with a little craft we did for Groundhog Day:

Maybe I needed yesterday to get through days like today. I was at a friend's place this morning, and it was disastrous! Josiah fought over every toy, yelled at the kids, was rude and impatient and intolerable. The entire visit was spent putting out fires, and I left wondering why I bothered, or why I ever feel like it is a good idea to try and leave the house with these kids!

I don't really know how to navigate him through all of this. I want him to learn to share and play with others well, but I can only teach and model and discipline and repeat, and hope he eventually gets it. I think I worry that it will take him not having any friends before he understands. I am thankful that kids are forgiving for the most part! I wish I could forgive as easily. Sometimes I struggle with resenting these behaviours too. If it were easier, I would take him out more or make plans with friends more. I am embarrassed, and although I know it's not entirely true, I feel like it reflects my parenting. And those with easier kids and judgemental glances and comments do not make it any easier.

I think being tired does not help anything either. On top of dealing with fatigue due to my heart condition, I have not been sleeping well at all.

This is part of the problem:

I know, how could something so cute be a problem?! Well, he has taken over my room and my bed. He has not been sleeping great in his crib, so we have been bringing him into our room to avoid both boys screaming for half the night in a shared room. He has also been getting up to eat in the middle of the night for a while again. So what sleep I do get these days is shallow and interrupted. Being tired does not make for a good day at home.

I was talking with a friend about the verse, "Be still and know that I am God"- Psalm 46:10- and she reminded me that God said this in the midst of chaos and craziness. I guess He knew the parts of my life that would fall apart before I ever saw them. He knew of the things that would shatter and pull from every side. He knew all the ways I would fail and be failed each day. He knew the hopelessness and drudgery and chaos. He knew of the small blessings and joy, the ones I see so much more clearly when I pause for a minute to feel His peace.

Parenting

Parenting is so hard.

I'm not sure if it's the fact that I haven't had a break in forever, or that I am really tired a lot, or if we are just in challenging phase, or maybe all three...

Reading and getting advice sometimes helps, or it sometimes makes things so much worse, mostly because the rules that apply to most kids do not apply to one of mine.

I am in the throws of potty training...except that my kid has actually had this all figured out for the past year. He knows every time before he goes, he hardly ever needs reminding, and he can stay dry forever. This is nothing to do with us, by the way. I used to think it was the training methods, but now I really think a lot of it has to do with each child.

For the past while, Josiah has been using 'potty accidents' as a way of being defiant or getting to us. This morning, because I would not play with him at the time he asked, and told him I would as soon as I finished what I was doing, he pooped all over my laundry piles in the hallway on purpose. When I asked, he said he was mad that I wouldn't play with him. I disciplined him, even though all of the potty resources would advice against it. I have never disciplined for an accident, but this has become a behaviour for whatever reason, and I don't feel that I can let it go.

So after these events, I have even tried backing off of potty training, but he insists on it when he has to go, so I don't really know if I should forbid him (maybe this is how it'll happen best!). It is an ongoing issue because he won't let it go even when I try. I would actually love for him to be in diapers right now. SO much easier than all of this.

I am struggling to meet his needs right now, because they are so huge. He is not the kind of child that responds well to quality time unless it is all day long with no interruptions, which obviously can't happen. All of the books and parenting resources don't know my child...I have tried all of their advice, along with others. I'm just feeling tired today. Tired of nothing working, and of the same old battles that never seem to go away. I know it is the mission of a strong-willed child to win. And I think this is the first day that he has really ever won, and I feel done.

Somehow, this needs to change.

God has been reminding me of this passage in James 1:2-5:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."

I am thankful that when I am at the end of everything I know, and when I have tried every foolish idea known to man, that God invites me to come and ask him for wisdom. I so desperately need it! I wonder how God would have dealt with the poop in the laundry...I think I'll ask him sooner next time!

Tears to Laughter/Joy

For days last week, I was so upset. Josiah began saying, "I'm not special..." and I had no idea why. He looked very sad when he said it, yet confused when I tried to tell him how special he really is. I try to tell him this every day, and make him feel special in every way I can. I was worried that he might be depressed, and was trying to think of something that may have happened to make him feel this way. About three or four days into this (and lots of tears later from me), he said, "I'm not special..." but this time he kept going, and he recited an entire scene from a Veggie Tales movie that he loves to watch. He played all the parts, including facial expressions. I was so relieved, and entertained! I should have known better with the strong acting gene in the family!

As every parent does, I feel so bad when I am impatient or harsher than I needed to be in the moment. Every once in a while, Josiah says, "Not speak rudely, Mommy," as he wags his little finger at me. This has often made me upset, and sometimes angry, because he is right. I am trying to teach him how to speak to others, and I am one of his biggest examples so I should be a good one; however there is something very humbling and infuriating about being called out by a two-year-old. As we were discussing it this week, a friend told me that she felt it was a very positive thing that Josiah felt the freedom and safety in our relationship to call me on things like that. This tiny perspective change made me feel more joyful about this recurrence. I will make lots of mistakes, and it is even healthy for my kids to see this, as long as I take their words to heart when I have wronged them and am big enough to apologize.

It's funny sometimes how a shift in perspective, or a little more information can make such a difference!

Self-Esteem

I read this article
(http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=234437) today, and found it to be quite interesting. As a professional who worked with troubled kids in school, I always had difficulty rewarding for behavior that every other kid was doing, or giving special privileges to the undisciplined kids.

The other night, I was talking with a friend who teaches high school. It was the first that I have heard of a 'no-zero' policy, which prohibits teachers from giving out zeros. I was astounded by the extra work this has placed on teachers, and the lack of character and responsibility it is instilling in kids. It connects with what the author of this article is saying too, that it is unacceptable for a kid to feel like their work is sub-par even when it is.

As I parent, I am searching for the best way to raise my child. I know that I don't want him to end up like the kids mentioned in the article; however, I also know from experience what it is like to grow up in a house that offered little praise and too much comparison. So I am trying to find a balance...so hard. Anyway, just some thoughts!