The past few months have been such a struggle. I have avoided blogging because my heart has been heavy. And writing about anything else would just feel fake to me.

Many of you know that when I was pregnant my doctor found a birth defect on my heart that requires surgery. It has been extremely physically challenging. Sometimes it's okay, but other times, I can hardly breathe or move.  I was supposed to have surgery around now, but my paperwork got lost and I have been bumped to late winter/spring.  This was discouraging! I was so looking forward to being healed and getting on with my life...exercising, doing more exciting things with my family, making it to the end of each day without being in pain, feeling energetic, singing (This one is hard. Since my condition has worsened, I can hardly sing because I can't ever seem to catch my breath).

There were many thoughts around the table on this, but one was that God wanted to heal me, so that is why the surgery was delayed. This issue of healing has consumed my mind. I have longed for it for many reasons.  I thought it would be a great witness and that it might bring encouragement, but if I am even more honest, I wanted it because I really wanted to feel that God liked me enough to do it. Due to early past issues, I struggle deeply with being disappointed. It is one of my worst fears.  Even though it robs me of hope, I will do anything to avoid being disappointed. So to hope in healing that might not happen was a huge step for me. Along the way, I kept asking, "But what does it mean if He chooses not to?", and nobody really answered. Probably because they didn't really know either.

I went to a healing room for prayer.  They prayed over me. I had high hope and even bigger faith. Nothing has happened since then. My heart symptoms are worse now than before I went. I do not say this to discount the power of prayer...it's all we have and I won't ever stop. When I left, I asked my question again, "But what if He chooses not to heal me?" And I was told it already happened and I just had to believe and do my part and it was there for me.

For weeks after, I put a lot of pressure on myself to 'do my part', because God wants us to live 'whole and healthy lives'. And I know he really does, but then why are beautiful, faithful people wasting away in hospital beds?

Then, I started doubting my faith. If I really had faith, then this would happen and I wouldn't need surgery. So I tried to have more 'faith' and just keep embracing my healing. But I still wasn't feeling it. And every chest pain, and every night that I couldn't sleep or breathe from the pressure, was a reminder of how little faith I had OR how much God had disappointed me yet again. And this was the hardest one. It made me wish that I never expected anything good from God in this area. I know He has already given me so much good, even in this- the fact that I didn't have heart attack earlier in life, that my pregnancies were safe, that the heart defect was caught on time and not ignored like it had been so many times before, that I have access to health care that provides me with this surgery for free, that mine led to my sons being screened and now Elwin's care for the same issue...so much good...such an amazing God. Being thankful for all of this made me wonder why I should be disappointed that there wasn't more. But, if I am brutally honest, I really still did want more.

After ranting, reading, praying, and talking for months, God led me to a conversation with a friend who lost someone very close to her, someone who had great faith and hope in God and His healing power. Yet, she lost her battle and never received healing, even though she had faith...even though people prayed desperately.  But they knew she was healed, and that she did receive the healing everyone prayed for when God came for her and made her whole again.

So, for the first time in a long time, I have some peace.  I am one day closer...closer to my heart be healed. I just don't know if He will do it here, miraculously or through surgery, or if it will be in the next life. But I know that He loves me... He won't disappoint...He won't leave me behind. I am one day closer...