For the past couple of years, we have painted pumpkins and the kids really love it.

 

Elwin enjoys his crafts (a little too much!).

 

 

 

All dressed up!

 

Not loving the hood...

 

Josiah had so much fun this year! Elwin was a trooper, too. So glad the rain held off for a couple of hours so we could all enjoy the night out!

The past few months have been such a struggle. I have avoided blogging because my heart has been heavy. And writing about anything else would just feel fake to me.

Many of you know that when I was pregnant my doctor found a birth defect on my heart that requires surgery. It has been extremely physically challenging. Sometimes it's okay, but other times, I can hardly breathe or move.  I was supposed to have surgery around now, but my paperwork got lost and I have been bumped to late winter/spring.  This was discouraging! I was so looking forward to being healed and getting on with my life...exercising, doing more exciting things with my family, making it to the end of each day without being in pain, feeling energetic, singing (This one is hard. Since my condition has worsened, I can hardly sing because I can't ever seem to catch my breath).

There were many thoughts around the table on this, but one was that God wanted to heal me, so that is why the surgery was delayed. This issue of healing has consumed my mind. I have longed for it for many reasons.  I thought it would be a great witness and that it might bring encouragement, but if I am even more honest, I wanted it because I really wanted to feel that God liked me enough to do it. Due to early past issues, I struggle deeply with being disappointed. It is one of my worst fears.  Even though it robs me of hope, I will do anything to avoid being disappointed. So to hope in healing that might not happen was a huge step for me. Along the way, I kept asking, "But what does it mean if He chooses not to?", and nobody really answered. Probably because they didn't really know either.

I went to a healing room for prayer.  They prayed over me. I had high hope and even bigger faith. Nothing has happened since then. My heart symptoms are worse now than before I went. I do not say this to discount the power of prayer...it's all we have and I won't ever stop. When I left, I asked my question again, "But what if He chooses not to heal me?" And I was told it already happened and I just had to believe and do my part and it was there for me.

For weeks after, I put a lot of pressure on myself to 'do my part', because God wants us to live 'whole and healthy lives'. And I know he really does, but then why are beautiful, faithful people wasting away in hospital beds?

Then, I started doubting my faith. If I really had faith, then this would happen and I wouldn't need surgery. So I tried to have more 'faith' and just keep embracing my healing. But I still wasn't feeling it. And every chest pain, and every night that I couldn't sleep or breathe from the pressure, was a reminder of how little faith I had OR how much God had disappointed me yet again. And this was the hardest one. It made me wish that I never expected anything good from God in this area. I know He has already given me so much good, even in this- the fact that I didn't have heart attack earlier in life, that my pregnancies were safe, that the heart defect was caught on time and not ignored like it had been so many times before, that I have access to health care that provides me with this surgery for free, that mine led to my sons being screened and now Elwin's care for the same issue...so much good...such an amazing God. Being thankful for all of this made me wonder why I should be disappointed that there wasn't more. But, if I am brutally honest, I really still did want more.

After ranting, reading, praying, and talking for months, God led me to a conversation with a friend who lost someone very close to her, someone who had great faith and hope in God and His healing power. Yet, she lost her battle and never received healing, even though she had faith...even though people prayed desperately.  But they knew she was healed, and that she did receive the healing everyone prayed for when God came for her and made her whole again.

So, for the first time in a long time, I have some peace.  I am one day closer...closer to my heart be healed. I just don't know if He will do it here, miraculously or through surgery, or if it will be in the next life. But I know that He loves me... He won't disappoint...He won't leave me behind. I am one day closer...

"It's Alright"

"It's Alright"- by Third Day

Your letter said that you were leaving
But you didn't know how long
I have never stopped believing
That one day you would return
And though waiting is the hardest
Part of everything I do
I do confess it's getting better
Knowing I will be with you

It's alright
It's okay
I won't worry about tomorrow
For it brings me one more day
Closer than I was to you

Now the question isn't "will you"
What I want to know is "when"
If it's one day or a million
I will wait for you 'til then
So I'm holding on to your words
And the promises you've made
There is not one you have broken
There's not one I didn't take

Your letter said that you were leaving
But you didn't know how long
I will never stop believing
I know one day you will return

Sometimes in the midst of struggles, it feels like God has forgotten.

I know he hasn't, but often it seems like we are left in these difficult places for too long.  It becomes harder to even share struggles the longer we battle, because people already know the details.  The longer we're in it, the more lonely it becomes. And I don't know about you, but I long to rescued from it. Or to have hope it will get better...or even to know that I am not really alone.

Yesterday, he showed me a piece of Himself in the offerings of others...a song and hug and words of encouragement from a friend who recognized my deep grief and wasn't afraid to look at me...and a friend who called and offered to take Josiah so I could sleep in the afternoon because she remembers well how draining it is to be a mother of young kids. Both were gifts beyond words.

Later in the day, the first friend sent me this:

THE TWENTY-THIRD PSALMS

(from PSALMS NOW by Leslie F Brandt)

The Lord is my shepherd and constant companion,

There is no need that He cannot fulfill.

Whether His course for me points to the mountaintops

of glorious ecstasy

or the valleys of human suffering,

He is by my side,

He is ever present with me.

He is close beside me when I tread the dark streets of danger,

and even when I flirt with death itself,

He will not leave me.

When the pain is severe,

He is near to comfort.

When the burden is heavy,

He is there to lean upon.

When depression darkens my soul,

He touches me with eternal joy.

When I feel empty and alone,

He fills the aching vacuum with His power.

My security is in His promise

To be near me always,

and in the knowledge

that He will never let me go.

Happy 1st Birthday!

Just over a week ago, Elwin turned one. 

Here are some pictures from his party day (just for you, Barb!):

Opening his first present from Grammy GG:

The dog cake (he is crazy about dogs...I had to give up my dream for a first B-day party and go with it!):

 It was worth it. He was so pleased!

Although, he doesn't love sweets, so he didn't eat much of it!

Josiah in a party hat:

Wonderful family and friends who came to celebrate with us:

Guys...out cooking?

Elwin LOVED his presents!

It's not a Mealey party if someone doesn't lose their pants!

Elwin enjoying his gifts after everyone went home:

I can't believe my sweet little boy is one already! 

For years many of us have been commenting on this...the uncanny resemblance

between Chris and these actors:

(1)

                                                                                  (2)

                                                                                (3)

            Some of it is the characters they portray, and others, well...you can see for yourself.

             Let's just say when I met him, that he owned the same pair of Bi-Way athletic pants as #3 is often seen wearing.

 

Which one, if any, do you think looks the most like him? I'll share mine after I hear from you!

(Even though he is a therapist, Chris is not self-aware enough to see any resemblance

with any of these guys- just sayin').

A few things I learned/realized/remembered this week:

- I don't like it when plans change. It's not that I'm inflexible or unforgiving, but changes in my schedule do stress me out. I wish they didn't, and need to work on this.

- I love really clean floors, and clean everything. I have been elbow-deep in spring cleaning (the old-fashioned way!). It is very difficult with two little kids to chase around, but I just needed it.

- I enjoy aesthetic changes. Even the simplest change can inspire me to organize and maintain. It has been a long time since anything in my place has been changed.

- I do not know how to deal with tantrums and persistence in a positive way. This stresses me out.

- I love sitting on the ground and running my fingers through the sand (even the dirty old sand at the playground!), and I love playing outside with my boys.

- I miss aerobics class and can't wait to start up again after my surgery.

- Wearing jewelry makes me feel pulled together even when I know I am not.

- Selling jewelry is a very fun hobby.

- I am getting nervous as our regular activities are winding down. On one hand, I love warm summer days that are free for beach trips and picnics and adventures; however, I feel anxious at the thought of too much free time. On good days, it is a gift. On trying days, it is like torture!
- I love being part of a Bible study that challenges me to dig deeper and get to know my Bible and God more intimately.

-That being said, I do not love being challenged on submitting my will to God. There is a lot going on that I'm not ready for...not wanting. It's hard to let go of the things I think I want in this life.

- I am saddened by adult behaviour that doesn't seem so mature, and am always inspired when I talk to someone who rises above. 

- I love getting to know neighbors. It makes long days at home not feel so long.

- I am horrible at getting stains out of laundry (and just died a whole load pink with one of my red scarfs that should not have been put in the washer at all).

- I have a pile of borrowed things that need to be returned...mostly baby things that my baby has outgrown. I am not ready to let go!

- I miss teaching and planning, and have been thinking a lot lately about some of my old students. A few months ago I ran into a student who was in the first kindergarten class I ever taught. He is now finishing up grade seven...how crazy is that?!

- I stay up too late, trying to hold onto a few more moments just for me. I love silence and stillness, but really dislike feeling sleep deprived. What to do...

- I have been putting off a few things that won't take that long to do, so I just need to do them!

- Josiah is responsible for most of the pictures I take of Elwin. He inspires me to stop what I am doing and watch the little moments before they disappear.

Elwin is 10 months old today! Since he is our second, it seems that I don't have as much time to write just about him (or even take pictures with just him in them)! SO, here he is:

At 10 months, Elwin is crawling, pulling himself up, cruising along furniture, and standing without holding onto anything!

He waves and says 'hi'.  Elwin also says , mom, dad, Bob (from a book), book, duck, quack, baaa (sheep noise), ba (bottle), up, girl, and gog (dog).  I think he says a few other things too, like 'siah', but he hasn't said them enough in context that I can say for sure.

He has a sensitive little heart, and cries easily when his feelings get hurt; however, he can be quite tough when he falls and bumps himself (which he does very regularly). 

Elwin loves to eat just about everything. His favorite breakfast is toast and peanut butter and jam. He also loves any meat, potatoes, peas, strawberries, watermelon, pizza, spaghetti, peanut butter sandwiches, and many fruits. Really, anything Josiah is having, he wants to try. He is only taking 2-3 bottles a day now...it won't be long before he is done with them altogether!

Sleeping, however, is another story. He does sleep through the night most of the time, but it is not always easy to get him to sleep these days. He is sharing a room with Josiah, so that does not help anything. Often we try to get him to sleep in our room in the playpen and then carry him to the crib after he is asleep. If they are in the bedroom at the same time, they shriek and laugh and jump up and down on their beds...and it doesn't stop. One night, they went for an hour-and-a-half before I pulled Elwin out. I was hoping they might get used to it, but it isn't looking that way!

Elwin loves to play with toys, especially Josiah's toys! He responds to music by dancing and clapping his hands. Sometimes, he requests songs by clapping or doing the actions, or singing 'ba,ba'.

He also loves reading books, and squeals with pleasure when he sees that it is time to read.

Being in his diaper brings him great joy. If it were his choice, he would never wear anything else.

This little boy is such a joy. He is snugly and affectionate, giving very wet kisses to those he is comfortable with. He laughs easily (except when we are out of the house, and everyone says how serious he is!).  He is slow to warm up, but melts your heart when he does. Can't believe he is almost one!!

I haven't been here much lately. We've been on the go, and spending lots of time outside!

 

This week...

...I have been feeling very unproductive, and haven't planned anything great or fun or creative for the kids.

...Elwin is teething, and difficult to put down for naps, and not sleeping well.

...Josiah will not stay in his room for quiet time, so we feel frustrated by his door opening every couple of minutes, and no consequences seem to be effective.

...I am missing the double stroller for our long walks. One of the tires blew, and the other is no good. Still not sure if we should spend the money to get them replaced or buy a new one. I have been browsing for used ones, and haven't found anything that's suitable.

...we visited with my father who is in from out of town.

...we are house hunting, and aiming to make some decisions by the summer.

...I officially started selling Silpada jewelry and am looking forward to hosting my first party. Lots to do to get ready!

...I had a very uplifting conversation with a beautiful person I know.

...I have been feeling a bit isolated and realized that we don't have a lot of regular activities in our week anymore. I need to do something about this soon!

...we are considering preschool options for Josiah, or something!

...we enjoyed a birthday party for two little friends.

...Chris is finally started to feel a bit better after having a lung infection for several weeks.

...I am feeling overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done. I wish there were two of me right now!

Catch Up

I guess it seems that I have been too busy to blog much lately, but I wanted to share a few new pictures.

We all had the stomach flu...for days. It was so terrible!:

The boys enjoying some down time:

Taking advantage of the last of our snow, which has been gone for a while now:

'Sharing' snow:

Birthdays:

Playing Daddy's new guitar:

Visiting:

Standing everywhere:

Painting with food dye:

Making a marble run:

Celebrating St Patrick's Day:

Going for walks and hanging out at the park:

And, 'swing-face':