I have heard these words so many times. I have probably said them enough times too, especially in my earlier years. The times that they have hurt the most were the times they were intended as an encouragement after something had gone wrong.
Most recently, I have heard these words as a 'reassurance' that I and this baby would be okay, despite the high risk pregnancy and my heart condition. I think what makes them the hardest is that I feel like if things go wrong, it's because I didn't have faith...didn't pray hard enough. Or even that the people around me didn't have enough faith.
If this were true, my pregnancy with Josiah would not have turned out well. Before he came along, we had three miscarriages. The ironic thing is that my faith seemed to dwindle with each disappointment, and when I was finally pregnant with Josiah I didn't believe that it would turn out well until the end when I saw him alive.
Why did God save that pregnancy and not the others? I can say for sure that it had absolutely nothing to do with my faith, or the intensity of my prayers. It had nothing to do with how great or how terrible I was being. It definitely did not work out because I deserved for it to.
This may be one of the biggest faith struggles I have experienced. I still don't get it, but I heard a teaching a while ago that really helped me pull my thoughts together on this. Although it is focused specifically on faith and healing (when God chooses to heal some and not others, and how that is connected to our faith), it really helped me sort through all of the feelings that I've had surrounding this topic, and why God did not choose to heal my body or our unborn babies at that time. If you have a chance to listen to it, I highly recommend it.
Here is the website:
http://kleefeld.ca/churches/kcc/sermons (paste this into your address bar- go to "Healing & Faith in the Gospels & Acts")
(It is presented by the pastor of the church we attended while Chris was in seminary. He and the church community blessed us profoundly while we were there, and we continue to be challenged by his solid, honest teachings.)
4 comments:
Hey Jenn,
I really needed to read this right now, thanks for posting.
Hey Jenn, I'm in quite the predicament myself as of late and I can totally relate to the feelings you have surrounding these words... it's such a shut down for me and makes me want to disengage from the person who sent them my way. I just may listen to that sermon, something about it feels as though it may be helpful in my world right now. Thanks for posting!
Jenn, you are so right. I have never had more faith than when I believed God was going to save Michael. I had not one single doubt that was what God was going to do. But it didn't. And marriage, I was so sure I'd get married. Until I didn't want it anymore. I had no more faith it would happen. Starting to get there with children. But thank goodness God's blessings aren't always dependent on how faithful we are. I know I'll be like you were with Josiah for my next pregnancy. Never sure until I'm holding them. Thank you so much for all our talks. I have needed them so much.
Rachel- I'm glad this helped. Hope you are doing okay!
Erin- Yeah, I know what you mean about it being a shut-down. It's hard to connect with someone (who may even be good-intentioned) when you hear things like this. It always has made me feel very alone, or shamed for wrestling with my doubts about God. Hope you can find some peace with this!
Esther- I have enjoyed our talks too! Thanks for your honesty in the wrestles you have had. I know this has and will profoundly impact others who are in painful situations that don't make sense.
Post a Comment