"Just Have Faith..."

I have heard these words so many times. I have probably said them enough times too, especially in my earlier years. The times that they have hurt the most were the times they were intended as an encouragement after something had gone wrong.

Most recently, I have heard these words as a 'reassurance' that I and this baby would be okay, despite the high risk pregnancy and my heart condition. I think what makes them the hardest is that I feel like if things go wrong, it's because I didn't have faith...didn't pray hard enough. Or even that the people around me didn't have enough faith.

If this were true, my pregnancy with Josiah would not have turned out well. Before he came along, we had three miscarriages. The ironic thing is that my faith seemed to dwindle with each disappointment, and when I was finally pregnant with Josiah I didn't believe that it would turn out well until the end when I saw him alive.

Why did God save that pregnancy and not the others? I can say for sure that it had absolutely nothing to do with my faith, or the intensity of my prayers. It had nothing to do with how great or how terrible I was being. It definitely did not work out because I deserved for it to.

This may be one of the biggest faith struggles I have experienced. I still don't get it, but I heard a teaching a while ago that really helped me pull my thoughts together on this. Although it is focused specifically on faith and healing (when God chooses to heal some and not others, and how that is connected to our faith), it really helped me sort through all of the feelings that I've had surrounding this topic, and why God did not choose to heal my body or our unborn babies at that time. If you have a chance to listen to it, I highly recommend it.

Here is the website:

http://kleefeld.ca/churches/kcc/sermons (paste this into your address bar- go to "Healing & Faith in the Gospels & Acts")

(It is presented by the pastor of the church we attended while Chris was in seminary. He and the church community blessed us profoundly while we were there, and we continue to be challenged by his solid, honest teachings.)

On days like today, that are kind of messy all the way around, I am glad that God uses little things in my toddler to remind me of Himself (especially when it seems my toddler is the one making things challenging!).

One thing is listening to Josiah pray. It is truly conversational, and I learn a lot from listening to him. He talks about everything he has done, people he has seen, things that hurt his feelings, toys that he loves to play with, Bo, etc...Nothing is off limits. I need to do this more often.

The other thing is the way Josiah views people. He does not have many judgements yet. It isn't that he is trying to treat everyone the same...he just has no reason not to. His kindness and friendliness extend to the rich lady behind us in the grocery store to the 'street' person on the sidewalk on our way out. His sympathy runs deep, regardless of people's motives or how they have gotten themselves into the places they are in.

I am so thankful for these little glimpses of heaven on earth...they remind me that God is still here. He is stronger and bigger than the situations I/others deal with, and it gives me hope in the things that are to come.