Today, I am feeling tired and frustrated. I can't remember the last time I felt rested, that my house felt clean, that I didn't feel overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time. Please understand, I love being a mom. It is a huge blessing and privilege that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. It's just that lately I feel pushed beyond my limit, my reserves are so low, and I'm not sure how to change any of that right now.
In the last month, I have read a book about strong-willed children. I cried when I read it, especially the intro, because I felt for the first time since becoming a parent that someone had written what I am experiencing. Everything feels so hard all the time. Josiah is an amazing child, and I wouldn't change a thing about him. It is just sometimes hard to know how to parent him in a way that works for all of us. I feel like I am always saying no to the same things, disciplining for the same things, and it sometimes feels like the message is not getting through.
Probably part of the problem is the lack of care I have been able to give myself in this process. I can't remember the last time I just went out and did something purely fun for myself that did not involve kids. I don't remember the last outing that did not involve doing errands or getting groceries. I really need to change this. It's just hard. Time is always an issue. Childcare is always an issue. And energy at the end of a day is often a problem too. Chris encourages me to go out when he gets home, but after putting in a 12-14 hour work day, I just don't feel like it a lot of the time.
Sorry for the long vent. I just felt like writing all of this might help me to process it and try to change something. Just having one of those long days...Tuesday and Thursdays are super-long shifts!
3 comments:
Oh Jen, there are some periods of parenting that are just very draining! I feel for you! I do hope that it helped to write things down and that you find a little bit of energy to take yourself out and get a breather. A couple weekends ago I went to a local coffee bistro in the evening, got a decaf sticky bun latte (yum!), settled myself into a comfy chair beside the fire and read the first few chapters of Little Women. It was fantastic! I was with people but didn't need the exhausting part of interacting and could just rest and rejuvenate.
Hope you find what works for you! Big hugs from Manitoba!
Oh Jenn, so many of my days feel this way too! So many. It's so tiring, and especially when you replay the same scenario over and over again with discipline, etc. I'm so glad that book was validating for you - and you've already started to implement some new ideas and try different things with Josiah. I pray that you will start seeing the impact of that soon. You are a terrific mom and I always learn and grow from our discussions.
Speaking of getting out, I say we take a Wednesday, leave the guys at home, and go do something fun for us that doesn't involve errands or groceries. Maybe a Cora's date and some Christmas shopping?
Think of how awesome that girls weekend with your sister is going to be.... sounds like it'll be coming at just the right time!
Thanks so much for your encouragement girls! It's nice to know that I'm not alone. Jobina- the coffee time sounds perfect. I need to be more conscious of doing that. Mandi- I would love to do a kidless Wednesay when I get back!
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